This is something that's really important to me, and i hope it is to you as well!!

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THANKS MUCH MUCH MUCH! PLEASE REPOST THIS AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS!!!

Late at night when life has slowed down I lye on the floor looking at the ceiling and listening to music. I find my self the same feeling the same longing and it is to have someone I love or that just makes me happy and enojy life in my arms. I have finally thought about it and there isnt a single girl that I have made out with that I havent regreted doing so a week later. It might jsut be what I am feeling right now.... but I don't want some fast paced relationship, though I know I fuck that up often, I just want that same thing... that someone in my arms. I have rescently realized my dream date you could say, nothing fancy I would just go to her place and I would bring all my records and my portable record player. We would listen to music and if maybe the time called for it bake cookies. Why is that we have these thoughts near Valentines Day? (which i had forgot was up coming until i got on myspace and saw a bunch on valentine survey bulletins). I have been reading "The Art of Happiness" and it has allowed me to enjoy the simple things and everything I have.... it has even had me not feel like I need a special loved one. It is only late at night, that is when that longing comings...... sigh I am tired of these emo journal entries. On a side note I have quit my job. I jsut quit it though I never told my parents. So I have been faking going to work. If you would like to hang out on the weekend during the day, any time you wish, call me send me message or something I have a couple more weekends to do this and then off to volunteer work, which should be fun.

Why do I have so many issues?

Whats my problem?

A bunch of texts I sent out to random people at 3:43AM on 10/08/05 
Current mood: All of these emotions on the list and a thousand m

This post is really happening at 10/9/05 at 3:23PM. I sent this you random people. It was a total of 15 text messages. My bill sure will be high.

Hey, I just watched a movie about love....I am so scared. Like I dont even know what to do next time I meet a firl. I could talk to them but how that relationship (whether it be pen pals, next door neighboors, girlfireinds what ever) should go is a mystery. Is it all jsut a chemical attraction, is none of it real. Am I jsut telling a lie, living a lie. Does every girl i meet is it jsut a chemical interest between us. Why cant I have my hollywood love. Are all my emo thoughts, feelings, heart aches, flirts, longings meaningless. So many questions and no answers. Dont mess up Orion.What about emily, laura, sudi, all my interests, and all the other girls i havent met. I like them all i just dont love them. Am I a jerk. Have i fucked up like i always do. I am going no where here...this is becoming a drunk ramble. What are the rules of love and relationships? Is there room for etiquette. Could I ever be a gentleman and not a jerk. Dont fuck up orion, DONT FUCK UP!. Do i want love. Do i need a relation? I like girls i really do.... Though there is so much pressure to get a girl? Am I jsut doing this to porve something. I am afraid. Should I just let go. I dont want to get hurt. love what is it? I havent even had a girlfriend. Can I even have love? Am I just going to be forever alone I am a junior and I never have had girlfriend. Plenty of other teens have had some form of sex. Am I just here to reproduce. I dont want sex. I dont want even to make out. What do i want from them?.  Why should I getting anything from them. I dont diserve anything. I dont even like like them. Will i jsut break hearts. I dont want to do that. If they like me i should even come close to that. Sudi said I need to ask her to homecoming. I am afraid. I dont want such an attactment. I dont think i could even fufill such an attactments. What do I do. This is jsut a confused ramble. What about all other ladies im interested in. If i go wtih sudi i end with all of them. Is it sad that i had to have alcohol to be fully open. What about emily? I guess if I had to be with anyone it would be her other than she lives in flordia.She says I should just move one. Though I am still going to see her winter break. What happens when I go see her. What if I have a girlfriend. What do i tell emily? What do I tell my girlfriend. I am going away this winter break to go see a girl i like more than you. Have a fun christmas and newyears. bye. I seem to compair all of them to her. Not jsut that i judge them all, and im a horrible person for doing so. Is this why i wanting a super slow relationship. Am I just staling to prevent what will happen...???. I dont know... what do i do?... what comes next?